Humorous emails 1

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." ********************************* Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little guy, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's left breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight." ************************************** Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee." ******************************************* Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' [TOP]

After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you can get sex from Aides. Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar." The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue." Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young. Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed. Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister! Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned, "Prepare to become a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!" Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?" [TOP]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring
kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth
and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a
very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer;
if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

 The question: What do women really want?

 Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death,
he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

 He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people
advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the answer.

 The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the
exorbitant prices she charged.  The last day of the year arrived and Arthur
had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his
question, but he'd have to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to
marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's
closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified; she was hunchbacked and hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had
never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend
to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

 Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that
nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the
witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

 Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted
Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was
torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and
courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made
everyone very uncomfortable. The hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself
for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him!
The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain
asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to
her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible,
deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful
maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during
the night?

 What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a
beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of
his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but
by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What
would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've
made your own choice.....



Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing
this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had
respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. What is the
moral of this story?

 The moral is: if your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get
ugly!

[TOP]

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